Some of you know now that i just recently had to put my two cats Pickle and Pepper to sleep. I've had them since i was 1 so they were old, it was time, and i wasn't ready. But being a pet owner is like being a parent. And you have to make tough decisions...the hardest one had arrived. I made the call and almost a week later my life is shattered into little bits. I'm in need of a way to vent but i almost don't want to. I don't want to get over it or move on really. I'm a masochist in that way. Sometimes i feel like if something made you happy, then grieving its absence should last at least half as long as you had it. For me thats 10 years. Not really practical but its how i FEEL right now. That i'll be broken for THAT long. I said goodbye to TWO of my best friends so its doubly hard. So tonight when my mind was jumbled and about to explode i wrote this to ease some tension. It didn't work. But it was still accurate. Here goes.
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It's been almost a week for me. But a lifetime we did share.
For all the firsts and seconds and lasts, you girls were always there.
And here I am, a brand new first, and you're not here to be.
For this is the first time I've been without you here with me.
I'm feeling all out of sorts, my up's are now all downs.
Right is Left, here is there, smile's are simply frowns.
I go to look but see no sign, and hear what isn't you.
All the things i always did, have left a trace of you.
The closet where you used to sleep is empty and its dark.
I go there just to be with you when life is extra hard.
And I catch myself stretching slow late at night in bed
so i don't kick your sister off from where she'd lay her head.
I watch my step as i walk, though i know there is no need
and i wake sometimes late at night, at times you'd used to feed.
All those times i ran to the store, so you'd be fed that eve.
I now have extra food to spare. A reminder why i grieve.
Your box is empty from its waste, though it was rarely used.
You were old and i loved you, so your mishaps were excused.
I had to make a choice between hold tight or let you go.
Neither were ideal. You were hurting, this I know.
But i didn't want to say goodbye, I was scared to be alone.
But pretending wasn't fair to you, so i picked up the phone.
I don't know if I was right, or wrong. I will never know for sure.
But every kiss, purr and tail wag tells me love is pure.
So while I sit here writing this, know I think of you,
and picture you on Daddy's lap, claws doing what they do.
He loved you just as much as I, and will i'm sure be glad
to sit and talk and pet you as you share the life we had.
So go and love him for me, and he'll love you for me too.
Go be kittens once again, and do what kittens do.
I'll be here without you, though I'd really rather not
If loving you here with me was hard, being gone will hurt a lot.
I promise at the end of the day I wouldn't make a change.
You've been my best friends my whole life a without you life is strange.
But it was worth the cuts and poop and food and hair and tears.
I had you here for 20, but i'll love you both a million years.
RIP Pickles and Pepper. This only scratches the surface but its a start.
